My Roommate's Deranged Cat or What the Hell Happened to Your Pussy!?!

Pets can be the greatest thing in the world. No matter how shitty or how great my day has been, regardless of how I look, feel or act, even if I have been less than pleased with his behavior lately, my dog Dodger is always happy and excited to see me. (And, no, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that I let him out to go do his "business" in the backyard as soon as I get home.)

However, pets can also be burdensome with responsibility.

"Hell yeah, I'd love to take a roadtrip this weekend! Oh, wait, I'll get back to you on that, it all depends on whether I can find someone to look after my dog while I'm gone."

My roommate, Cory, has a cat. She's named after his ex-girlfriend, the woman he originally purchased the feline for as a gift. The cat's name you ask? Snatch.

Now, prior to moving in, Cory brought his little furball bundle of joy over to introduce her to Dodger to see if they would be compatible or at the very least coexist. Dodger seemed to welcome the new mobile and sound producing fluffy toy and wanted to play with her endlessly. Snatch, the demure, prissy, bitch that she is wanted nothing to do with him--at first. Until of course he stop showering her with attention, then she sought him out and enticed him to give chase.

Watching the two of them interact has been both amusing and psycho-socially interesting. The cat has taken to begging for people food by sitting down in front of you while you're eating and staring at you the entire time, watching as each bite moves from plate to mouth. And the dog? Well, I've caught him standing proudly on the back of the couch a couple times. The first time I just sorta stood there slack jawed. Then he turned around, saw that I was standing there and just sorta got this "oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a dog." expression on his face and nonchalantly backed down off the couch and onto the floor. My roommate hasn't done much to discourage this confusion on Dodger's part either, He started to train him to come when you call, "Here Kitty Kitty."

Well, karma has reared it's ugly head. Turns out Dodge isn't the only animal now who's become a mental case. Snatch seriously needs to see a shrink. She appears to suffer from some kind of nervous licking habit. Either she has decided she wants to be the most pristine cat known to man or she just enjoys the fact that she can lick herself. Personally, I'm thinking it's the latter. I mean, who WOULDN'T enjoy being able to do that to...er...ahem...Anyway, her persistent grooming has begun to take a toll on her physical appearance.

"Dude, my cat must be watching home makeover shows when we're not around. Look, she's given herself a bikini wax."

I laughed my ass off when I saw that she had licked the fur completely off from around all her personal parts. It looked fairly ridiculous, but then hell, who am I to judge, I once thought it would be cool to get my hair permed. Well, this week she has taken things much further. She has now, in addition to her already fur-free personal bits, she has clearcut her entire ass and the lower half of her tail.

"If I'm not mistaken dude, I'd say your cat thinks she's a flippin' poodle. Maybe you should just help her out and shave all her fur off. We could change her name to Mrs. Bigglesworth."

Now, before you think my roommate's an inconsiderate, heartless bastard---which he'd be the first to admit he is, but still...Cory HAS taken Snatch to the vet, but the vet has no idea what is causing this. She originally diagnosed FLEAS, but if that were the case, we'd all have fleas, but that just isn't the case. There's never been a flea in the house thus far. And obviously, she's still going at herself.